Sowing the seeds... [1008.1999]

Four o'clock in the morning. I'm still up. Supposedly, I'm revising a shopping cart. In reality, I cleaned up one file, and surfed the web for three hours. Talk about a finely honed work ethic.

Covey's got this metaphor he calls the Law of the Farm. Basically, if you want something worthwhile, you've got to keep at it every day, even if you don't see the immediate change. Or, to use his metaphor, you can't plant your crops the night before you want to harvest.

I'm planting, I'm planting! But.. Slowly. I feel like I goof off too much. I'm falling into the same habits I developed at work: the cool designs take me no time flat, and the implementation seems to drag on.. and on... and... on..

It's not that I'm a slow developer. Quite the contrary. When I'm in flow - I believe we do our best coding in flow states - I move. I can knock off that first 90% in one sitting. And then I start getting frustrated and bored and that last bit takes up way more time than it should. Kevin (ex-boss) and I used to have discussions about this.. It was one of the main reasons he didn't want to make me more of a project leader and less of a hacker. (Another being I'm a damn good hacker -- when I actually do it..)

I'm going to work on this. Start sowing the seeds not just of a business and a website, but of a stronger work ethic. Start building some charachter, determination. Start seeing things through.

A confession:

I took a year off after high school. Lived with my parents. Wanted to write a novel. I fiddled around a bit, but it never happened. Instead, I got seriously depressed, nearly killed myself out of loneliness, went in to therapy for a few weeks, and finally turned myself around by applying to school and volunteering to teach reading. I never did write that novel.

Another confession:

I took a month off after I quit Neusoft. Wanted to create a translating dictionary for programmers. I codenamed it Tumboodo at the time, but these days it's collecting dust over at coderef.com.. I basically did nothing for a few weeks, and then scared myself into getting a job.

I took a job at Abel Soluitions so I could develop my Web skills. That's "sowing seeds" I guess. Because now, two years later, I can build websites. I have the skills. I have the savings.

I don't want to be telling this same story in another few years, about how I "took some time off after ASI, but never did anything".

I want to change, to build manifestation.com, get Zike off the ground, and start working on other fun projects, like Sabrina, or Monty... And start building a real social life, and get in better shape, and... Well, enjoy myself!

I'm really tempted to say, "if I got a job, then I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore, and then I could do all those things.." But I just quit a job - and even though it was part time, my complaint was always "If I quit, I would have plenty of time... and then I could do all those things.."

I've just got to do it. Set a goal. Work for it every day.

I'm being a creator here. Yeah, my art is useful, but it's still an art. Just like writing a novel, or building a sculpture. No one's making me do this stuff. I could just go get a job and spend the rest of my time partying.. But there's something about creating my own thing that just drives me to it.

Agh. I'm rambling. Time for bed.